Party-hardy

So I had myself a little adventure yesterday afternoon.

After having contacted 20+ people to see if I could find a ride to Granada to get to Laura's house for her 18th birthday party, I resorted to taking the bus. Yuck, I know. Anyways, Kenny told me to take route 7 at the Valencia transit station & that it would take me near church, but when I checked online route 7 didn't even exist. But I took Kenny's word for it & went to the transit station (I barely made my 2:06 PM bus down the street; I would've missed it if I was a minute late). So at the transit station there's supposed to be signs showing all the different routes but there was NO route 7! So I asked this really nice looking black man who's a bus driver and he said "Route 7 has been gone for almost a year! Now we have route 757 that goes to NoHo" -_-, sigh. He told me to take the 757 to NoHo and then metro 224 and that it'd go the same route as where 7 was supposed to go.

So I went onto the 757 and it took about 20 minutes to get to NoHo and omg I swear I've never seen so many Hispanics/Mexicans before in my entire life. I almost missed the 224 but I noticed it at the last minute and rode that for maybe like 30 minutes ... and this entire time I felt so out of place and awkward and self-conscious. I ended up asking the bus driver if the 224 would take me near Zelzah and Devonshire when I realized I was the only person left on the bus and also after seeing "San Fernando" and got this weird feeling that I somehow screwed up, but then he said I should get off and take the 759 to Sylmar Station and then take the 239 to the intersection I wanted to get at ... By that time I was calling Laura and asking her to help mapquest where I was so I knew I was going the right direction. I ended up getting to Sylmar Station and waiting for Gus to pick me up and take me to Laura's T_T I spent THREE hours on the bus and all I ended up doing was going around in circles from SCV to North Hollywood to San Fernando to Sylmar to Granada.

& then Laura's birthday was pretty BA, I had a lot of fun <3 Went to Cheesecake Factory for the first time and had the fettuccine alfredo pasta that I had been craving for such a long, long time. I felt pretty awkward and left-out a couple of times throughout the night since I only really knew Laura and somewhat Brownrice and Bryce. But then I totally loosened up after having a couple shots at the hotel room that Laura rented, tehehe. And it was nice meeting Kelly, Meghan, Holland, and Jenny. I honestly didn't even feel all that different until we finished all of Meghan's mixed drinks and the UV Lemonade drink and started on the bottle of wine. I ended up drunk-calling Andrew but he didn't pick up so I called Jonathan and made a fool out of myself. Good thing this time I didn't write a drunk letter, lol!

9 girls + 1 boy + alcohol = insanity. The room looked like shit when we left at 11 the next morning.

Went to Denny's after checking out and I had a yummy omelet with hash browns and toast but everybody felt like crap after eating so much hahah. Jenny ended up taking me home afterward and I totally ktfo'd after fixing my laptop (YAY!) and got up like 5 hours later.

I had a pretty good weekend.

I'll probably feel like shit tomorrow when I realize how much homework and how many tests I have on Monday, FML.

You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving.
– St. Francis de Sales

Besties

To be honest, I don't think I would be able to survive without my best friends. I realized that I enjoy talking to them the most ... and above all else, I know that they'll always be there and I don't have to worry about things like "maybe they're sick of me" or "oh no, what if they think I'm a bitch". Some people have called me imprudent for giving my all into friendships that they claim won't make it into college but I disagree with them. Although I can't help but note that there is a tiny bit of scariness in the fact that these people have such a firm hold on me. But, it's really a blessed thing to realize that there will always be certain friends next to you that will accept your entirety and never shun you regardless of the decisions that you make, and that they'll receive you with open arms even if everybody else has turned their backs on you.

It always gets to me when I realize that I have a really hard time expressing myself when it comes to the people closest to me. I'm awkward and shy & I don't tell the people important to me that I'm really appreciative and grateful to them as often as I should. Although I don't know the extent of how my best friends view me, but to me they're unexpendable. I've had "best friends" before but I guess the older you get, the deeper your relationships become with the people around you. This is the first time that I've never had the doubt "Do they think of me as a best friend too or is it just an assumption on my part?" and the first time that I've ever trusted someone so much in my entire life. I don't think there's anything that I DON'T tell them or if there's anything that I don't wish to tell them (only when I forget to say it lol) and that in it of itself is so amazing, it still shocks me.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Without these three people in my life, I am sure I would've turned out to be a much lonelier and more bitter person. Thank you for being my friend, you guys really have no idea. And those people know who they are.

-- edit

I just realized how much of sappy cornball I sounded like -_- and my thoughts were all jumbled so it sounds weird ... D: I'm really not good at this.

And wtf I swear I posted this at 1 AM and now it's 2. My sleep pattern is whack.

Disappoint

People always fall farther away once they get to really know me. I guess it's because I'm a selfish person who thinks about herself most of the time. But you know what? I never asked anyone to expect anything from me so I don't understand how I'd disappoint them.

Sorry. But get over it.

D:

Nooooooooooooo I don't wanna go back to schoooooooool T_T & I spent all day today hanging out with my parents and watching an hour and a half special on "Pavarotti Duets". I love Pavarotti he's such a crazy operatic tenor, I liked his duet with Mariah Carey when they sang Hero.

BUT I DIGRESS!

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I didn't do my homework! I don't want to go to my counselor and change my schedule! Damn Solarez she screwed me over big time -_- asdfoejaosd ughhhhhhhhhhh.

I will prepare myself for an all-nighter. Damn my mom for not letting me nap, I needed that big time ): Sighhh.

FML.

I ...

Who am I? What do I look like to people, how am I viewed? Is there really that huge of a difference between who I believe I am & the person that others perceive me as?

I'm nothing special. I don't have any special talents. I'm not good at anything. I'm lazy, selfish and simple. I'm afraid of opening up in the case that I'll be double-crossed. I like to have fun but not get too close. I'm afraid of being alone but I tend to repel people away. I don't scheme. I get hurt too easily. I expect too much from the people around me. I feel like something is missing from my life.

All I want is to love and be loved in return, but life just isn't that simple.

And human beings like to twist words and situations, transforming them into a substance totally different than how it first began as. Nobody cares to listen to the entirety, they only see the end result. Just as they see me.

They don't see why I've become the person I am today. They don't see anything but the present-day me, or rather, they never intended to see anything but what they wished to see in the first place. They don't care why or how ... they only care about now. What's in front of their faces. They judge however they please and not a single thought of remorse passes by their one-track minds.

What exactly is my purpose in living? Have I impacted anybody in my life? Will I ever? Will I ever find a reason for my existence?

I don't want school to come yet. I'm not ready to be thrust back into the world of hypocrisy, false-fronts and an endless, repetitive, mundane lifestyle.

Never was

Stay strong?

What if I was never strong to begin with.

There's nothing to hold onto.

2010

Happy New Year! '09 flew by so quickly ...

2009 was full of ups and downs, achievements and disappointments, both good and bad times, and a whole bunch of memories. I can't say I haven't done things that I've regretted but what's the point of feeling down about it, right?

First thing's first, my New Year's resolutions. They're not things that I've thought up of just because it's the first day of the year ... but things I've been thinking about lately and January 1st just gives me an excuse to list them down. I'm sure things are bound to change as the days go on, whether it's taking things off or adding more on.

- Live it up. Do what I want, and do it well.
- Be more positive, to others and also just in general.
- Brush my hands off of drama.
- Cut down my gossiping O:
- Try to sleep earlier than 12 AM.
- Do my best in everything that I attempt.
- Try to go to church ...

I didn't do anything spectacular on New Year's Eve ... didn't even go to church service. I just stayed home and watched 아가씨를 부탁해, finished the last episode actually. This winter break it seems all I've done is chat and watch kdramas. Iris, 미남이시네요 & 아가씨를 부탁해. I should start on my Pride and Prejudice AP Lit homework and get my APES extra credit book soon.

But surprisingly, these past two weeks have been really hectic. A lot of things happened and a lot of shit went down. I also exchanged Christmas gifts for the very first time with my best friends, and as cheesy as it may sound it really made the end of the year really special. I wish I didn't feel like such a corny sponge when I tell people how I feel or else those few individuals would know how thankful and grateful I am to know them. AHHHHH I FEEL LIKE A SAP asldfjeoaifjoewaijfda!

... I wish somebody would take me to a place where a long and super loud train passes by, preferably someplace with a pretty view/environment, and just let me scream and yell as loudly and as much as I want so that I can say what I want to say when the train rushes past me. I also want to just lay down on pretty, green grass and stare up at the sky, looking at the clouds gently passing by. Not too sunny, not too hot or cold, not too clear or cloudy. You know one of those days where it's warm with a light breeze and there are those really cute, puffy clouds that have shapes. I want one of those days to come by soon.

I hope this year will be just as great as 2009 was. I'm pretty stupid so I forget things easily but there were a lot of things that happened in '09 that made me really happy. Things that made me smile and things that are etched into my memory. Of course there were a lot of bad, depressing things ... and a bunch of tears. But as much as I moan and groan about everything, these are the kinds of things that shape me as a person and make me into the person that I am. Every little thing that happens is one out of the many factors that will affect who I am today and mold who I am tomorrow. So I've decided to try to change my view and perspective toward certain aspects of my life and become a more patient and understanding person. I want to be able to learn from everything that I experience and incorporate that into my life. I hope that I'm able to do this, and to change. And to become a better person. I want to become somebody ... no, a friend ... that people can trust, that they can go to when they need to talk, vent, cry, somebody that won't make people curl their lip in disgust and go "Her? No, I don't really like her" or "Oh I can't tell her anything" or anything else like that. I want people to appreciate me and enjoy my company, the same way I do with the few, certain individuals in my life that I'm blessed to be with.

I'm sure that 2010 holds great things. I hope that I'll be able to continue to enjoy each day as it comes by.

I feel like such a sentimental sap today. I kind of teared up while typing this up, HAHA. What is wrong with me. I guess I'm getting old ........... :)

So, 2010. GIVE ME THE BEST YOU'VE GOT! And I'll give you the same.