GOODBYE

GOODBYE BLOGSPOT/BLOGGER whatever you keep changing this name to.

I gave in to the tumblr craze -_-
http://xjaeeun.tumblr.com/

& I still use livejournal for my more personal posts. yeeeesss!

18

Happy birthday to me.

ha ha ha.

man, time flies. I swear it felt like it was just yesterday when I made a big deal about turning 13 (teenager, lol!) and now I'm 18.

Wtf, seriously.

WHAT THE FUCK IT'S RAINING!

I hate rain.

Dude.

Life's such a bitch.

I don't care if I sound like some whiny teenager. Fuck that. I'll say what I want.

I think it's kind of sad when you realize that you have nobody to call or no one to go to when you just want to cry your face off. You end up thinking "will I be bothering them?" or "they'll probably make up some excuse to not meet up with me" or something along those lines.

And it sucks when you don't have any peace of mind at school, or at home, or even at church. Where else is there left to go?

I wish I wasn't born Korean. Or any sort of Asian, for that matter.

And it's hard trying to get your thoughts across to somebody when you really want them to understand why you did what you did and that you didn't mean it the way that they perceived it.

Fuck thiiiiis.

lj

Yay for indecisiveness and switching back and forth between blogspot and livejournal!

Since livejournal can be friends only (I don't like blogspot's weird private blogging) I'm going to be using that for more personal entries while I continue to blog on blogspot for .. more random bursts of thought (: yay me! woopwoooooop.

http://rosemaryyyy.livejournal.com/

And assuming that just in case there are ... silent stalkers or something out there (if not, whatever) my lj IS friends only but as long as we have similar interests, feel free to leave a comment for an add!

P.S. On another note, I love shoe shopping. I just wish I had prettier feet. AOFJEOISDO!

Easter

Easter service was pretty good. Things have been looking up lately, after I had that major break-down a couple weeks ago. Maybe it's a sign.

God is good, all the time.

I'm looking forward to a lot of things that are coming up soon. I hope things continue to stay up and I'm able to do what I've decided to do.

Goals:
- Lose 10 lbs before graduation.
- Cut down on cussing. Start: 4/5/10
- Go to VHOP at least once.
- Get my license.
- GO TO THE BEAAACH!

April 10(?): Sleep-over at Soo teacher's.
April 17: 18th birthday.
May 27: Graduation.
July 1-4: Anime Expo @ LA
July 16-18: Last CE high school retreat.

Easter Sunday's (4/4) earthquake really scared me. Check out Jaeson Ma's website and see what he's been writing about, it's TOO related to just be coincidental. The signs are totally there, God's trying to tell us something.

I feel a burning inside of me, and every week the sermon/worship really hits me hard. It doesn't change the fact that I feel the need to get away from CE and find a different place but I know that wherever I go, God will always be there with me.

Sing, Sing, Sing - Chris Tomlin

me

Hi, my name is Rosemary and I like reading angsty sob stories with happy endings that give me warm fuzzy feelings. Having that feeling of anticipation well up in the bottom of my tummy and swell when getting to 'the good part' and understanding how the main protagonist is thinking/feeling. I love that feeling you get after reading an amazing story and just sitting there after you've finished, staring contently at a blank spot on the wall.

I also think Kanda is the cutest thing in the world.

Goodbye.

Black Hole

Black hole in my chest,
sucking out the contents of my heart.
hole hole hole, black hole.
Emptiness,
nothing's able to fill up that hole.
hole hole hole, black hole.
Loneliness,
was it always there?
when was the last time you felt 'full'?
Falling ... falling ... falling,
ever closer into that hole.
That hole that continues to grow larger
hole hole hole, black hole.

Sunday

What an amazing Sunday.
It totally made up for (and more) the shitty Saturday I had.
I love my bestfriends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Laura, for seriously just listening to me and understanding. Being that shoulder to lean on when I started bawling for no reason during worship. Soothing me when I started freaking out about the donut and cookies n' cream kiss chocolates I was eating. For always feeding me at her house and never judging me for the bitch that I am. I've never known somebody who's fully accepted me as I truly am and I've never had to have any wall built up between us.

Stella, for never failing to cheer me up. For the random texts, comments, messages, oovoo sessions, and calls that never fail to make me smile. Always being there to listen, to make time for me, and actually CARE about what I say. For trusting me just as much as I trust her. For all those deep conversations we've had, followed up with stupid shit that we can't help but crack up over. Crazy mad love for you, babycakes.

And then finding out that my lovers Patty Wong and Den Kwok went to watch Jay baby bboy in Vancouver and thought of me & took buttloads of pictures and EVEN GOT ME A MFING GODDAMN AUTOGRAPH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHA AND PATTY PUT MY EMAIL INTO THE LETTER SHE GAVE TO JAY WHO ACCEPTED IT!

I don't remember the last time I was this content.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.
For being there to pick me up at my lowest and never giving up on me. I know I'm not the best person, or even a very good person. I bitch too much, I'm judgmental and I have mood swings as often as the weather changes in socal. I would have never imagined being able to know people who truly appreciate me for who I am and really just give a damn about me.

I hope I'm just as special a person to them as they are to me.

I hate my life.
I hate this suffocated feeling that follows me everywhere.
I hate how I'm never really happy.
I hate this overwhelming feeling of unhappiness that I can't shake off.
This ...... discontent feeling.
The feeling like as if life let me down,
when I shouldn't have been expecting anything.
If anything, I should've been forming a road to my future
but I was just sitting there waiting for something that will never come.
This unbearable waiting sort of feeling ...
that there's supposed to be something more
until you're hit in the face with the reality that this is all you have.
mundanemundanemundanemundanemundanemundane
I need to get out of here.
I feel like I'm going to implode.

Somebody save me.

Baby Baby

THIS!
Baby, good to see you back <3 and smiling too (:

I'm glad he's still singing. His lyrics made me 'lol' haha.

I get approached a lot being who I am
and I gotta lot girls wishing I'm their man checkit/
and if I'm wrong with ya I don't wanna be right
I gotcha gigglin like everydays a comedy night
I'm a correct answer never do you wrong/
and I trust yah even though you've be gone/
but don't blame for getting little jealous/
it's just hard when you're talking to them fellaz/
I got that "taylor" body girl you know that I gotcha/
you can call me new moon because I orbit around ya/
you're my world my everything, the only thing between our face is just that spaghetti string/
I'm faithful won't pull a Kobe Bryant on you/
it's a jungle won't be "lion" pull a "tiger" on you
even know the exact shade of your eyes
my hearts ice your number one like Yuna Kim/

I used to be a boy
that had many girls
all over the world
but they got nothing on you babe
it's forever just you and me
for all of eternity/
I know you're stressing but I'm confessing baby you're the only girl I want
you can be my bestfriend we can play X-Men
you can be just I can be Cyclops
cause I don't wanna end up like everyone else
hurtin all alone all by myself
this is just something that I've never felt

I'll play X-Men with you, darling ;)

>:B

'Jang OO caught for urinating on the streets for giving water to the trees because they're organisms too'

'Runaway thief Hwang OO caught after making a commotion house by house'

'Kim OO arrested for illegally selling chin bones from the Amazon' **

'A follower of a weird religion called 'Rumors-Will-Disappear' caught, named Ok OO'

Hmm….. I think I've missed out someone… Not Nichkhun.. someone else.. Who have I missed?? Ah I dunno I think I've written everyone.

HAHAHAHA 대박!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(If you don't get the end, they're basically ignoring Junho because nobody notices him)

사랑

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she
may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not
perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect
together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and
admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her
the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the
day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can
break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze
and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you
happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not
there.

— Bob Marley

Happiness

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."

For some reason I thought of Jay when I saw this. Although I'm not sure HOW happy he could have possibly been, surrounded by people disrespecting him, but I know that he must have really loved music and being able to spread his love to the people who really cared. So just because that certain door has been closed to him doesn't mean he can't find another door that will make him happy, if not happier. Jay, I hope you're happy. You're better off without 5PM/JYP(E) and their condescending shit.

I wonder when I'll find my own door?


I bet he misses Kwon T.T

Parentels

My mom doesn't even know what the fuck she's talking about and yet she feels the constant need to bitch at me just for the sake of venting her fucking ass off.

So annoying.

I want to leave home but there's 90% I'm going to cc here, FML.

I hate this damn bubble known as Valencia -___-


I miss you.

RIP

Drained. I feel like a 50-year old woman going through some kind of insane menopause. I never thought I'd have to go through this feeling ever again.

Can't let go of the heaviness nailed onto my heart and the feeling of absolute betrayal. And can't seem to get that damn burning behind my eyes to go away ... Waterworks, begone.

2008.9.4 - 2010.2.27. RIP 2PM.

http://yaeris.blogspot.com/2010/02/rest-in-peace.html

THIS.

Go to hell, 6PM.

:(

Words are not able to express the whirl of emotions I feel and have been feeling ever since I learned about the termination of Jay's contract. And after reading all those 사생팬 comments, insider 2PM articles and then that abominable conference ... I don't know what to think.

The main question: What went wrong?

How did it get like this?

This is a CONSPIRACY! JYP/E = dickfaces. The end.

On a higher note, 김연아 got gold and we all got to see J.R. Celski's body <3 and also watched 곽윤기 dance to BEG's Abracadabra lol. My favorite is 성시백 though, aka "SEXY 백" ㅋㅋㅋ. I need to watch the figure skating exhibition Gala tonight.


I hope Jay gets to come out on ABDC. Hopefully he's doing well with his AOM homies ... and I hope that the whole planned-speech that JYP set out for him to say (was it tomorrow?) won't happen ... damn JYP! -_-

영원히 재은 ... 항상 네 곁에 있을께.

쓸쓸해.

Finished re-reading 花ざかりの君たちへ for about roughly the 15th time. I never get tired of it, even though the ending was a bit rushed ):

It made me feel really lonely. Ha ha. I WANT TO MEET SOMEBODY LIKE SANO IZUMI ㅠㅠ Shin would be nice too ... Or maybe even know somebody like Umeda Hokuto. Sigh ...

Damn senioritis. I don't want to do anything. And regarding school, I care maybe 1/4 the amount that I did last semester. This is bad, horribly bad.

Lately I've been feeling kind of anti-social. I wonder what's wrong with me. 학교 가기 싫고 친구들 안 만나고싶어. 관심없고 그냥 집에 있을래. 2 months until my 18th + prom and 3 months until I graduate. Time really flies.

I'm also not interested in most of the things that I was interested in, for who knows how long before. Good-looking boys? Whatever. Prom? Eh. Hanging out a lot? Hm. I just want to stay home.

I'm so tired.

... I'm afraid I'm going to cry at graduation.

My entries have been pretty sporadic lately. Rather than trying to get complicated thoughts across, I'm more comfortable with just putting out my random feelings. Somehow it makes me feel really relieved, in some odd way.

I hope I can go to Korea this summer.

Won't be too long before I start church-hopping.

Snacking

I noticed that lately I've been constantly snacking ... which wouldn't be such a bad thing if I snacked on HEALTHY foods but that's not the case. Blergh.

I might not go to prom this year. I don't know. I'm just not pumped up for it anymore. I'm starting not to care about the things I used to be frantic/stoked about.

I've also become addicted to the word lethargic. ha ha ha ha. ah.

Need. to. stop. EATING!!!!!!!! -____-

Tuesday is going to suck, after this 4-day weekend is over.

P.S. I'm sick of people telling me to join tumblr. Go away!

Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.
- Oscar Wilde

Sad films

I love crying during a sad movie. I don't know what it is about them but being able to release emotions such as sadness, sympathy and despair towards something that isn't attached to me in any way in the physical world allows me to feel the rawest and most human. Just something about it makes me feel like I'm letting something go from inside of me, something that has been painfully clutching onto my heart. It's a weird feeling that I can't really put into sufficient terms.

On the other hand, I realized that one of my biggest pet peeves is when people can't seem to differentiate when or when not to use bear/bare. Irritating, beyond words. Also, the misuse of you're/your really pulls my strings -_-

Yesterday was a good day. I was out all day from the time I went to school at 8 AM until I got home at 10:30 PM. Recapping for my own sake: it rained, I went to the play with Ana and Mike & was with Michael, Jennifer, Hannah, Angela, Diane, and Elyse. Went to Chipotle with Ana, Mike, & Jennifer and then Borders for a bit. Manga section was fun; the rest of the evening flew by.

I feel like I'm going to regret not making the most of my last couple months of high school, and that the time is going to go by as if it was nothing.

좋은 날

It's only a Tuesday, half past 2 in the afternoon, but so far my week has been amazing ever since Friday. I don't think I've ever had a week where I've been so content for numerous days in a row in such a long time.

Friday I was able to go to Laura's birthday and sleep-over at the hotel. Saturday I went home and slept really peacefully because I was so tired and my parents & I stopped fighting. Sunday, although I didn't go to church, my parents let me sleep in and I rested my aching body and relaxed all day. Monday, I aced my AP Government test and basically didn't stress about school work that day (even though APES & AP Lit screwed me over). I also made plans to watch a school play with Mike and possibly Ana on Friday and my mom said it was alright. I also chatted with Mike on AIM the night before and we spazzed together about random things. I love my friends. And today I actually managed to stay awake in AP Calc BC and I've decided to go in on Thursday to ask for help for my impossible test on Monday but I don't really dread it. I had fun during brunch and also during 5th period student service with Jennifer Moon and I introduced myself to Daniel ... tehehe ;)

I guess the only downfalls pertaining to these past couple of days would be not being able to go hang out with the girls in LA on Saturday afternoon, missing Kevin's sermon on Sunday, not finishing all my Lit homework in class on Monday, messing up on my APES vocab quiz + FRQ and Lit test and having a massive tummyache today ):

I hope the rest of the week is amazing <3

Although, I'm probably going to have to vacuum the house and wash my stinky dog. Boo.

OH! And Happy February. Damn, time's flying. I want a Valentine, kthnxbai )':

Party-hardy

So I had myself a little adventure yesterday afternoon.

After having contacted 20+ people to see if I could find a ride to Granada to get to Laura's house for her 18th birthday party, I resorted to taking the bus. Yuck, I know. Anyways, Kenny told me to take route 7 at the Valencia transit station & that it would take me near church, but when I checked online route 7 didn't even exist. But I took Kenny's word for it & went to the transit station (I barely made my 2:06 PM bus down the street; I would've missed it if I was a minute late). So at the transit station there's supposed to be signs showing all the different routes but there was NO route 7! So I asked this really nice looking black man who's a bus driver and he said "Route 7 has been gone for almost a year! Now we have route 757 that goes to NoHo" -_-, sigh. He told me to take the 757 to NoHo and then metro 224 and that it'd go the same route as where 7 was supposed to go.

So I went onto the 757 and it took about 20 minutes to get to NoHo and omg I swear I've never seen so many Hispanics/Mexicans before in my entire life. I almost missed the 224 but I noticed it at the last minute and rode that for maybe like 30 minutes ... and this entire time I felt so out of place and awkward and self-conscious. I ended up asking the bus driver if the 224 would take me near Zelzah and Devonshire when I realized I was the only person left on the bus and also after seeing "San Fernando" and got this weird feeling that I somehow screwed up, but then he said I should get off and take the 759 to Sylmar Station and then take the 239 to the intersection I wanted to get at ... By that time I was calling Laura and asking her to help mapquest where I was so I knew I was going the right direction. I ended up getting to Sylmar Station and waiting for Gus to pick me up and take me to Laura's T_T I spent THREE hours on the bus and all I ended up doing was going around in circles from SCV to North Hollywood to San Fernando to Sylmar to Granada.

& then Laura's birthday was pretty BA, I had a lot of fun <3 Went to Cheesecake Factory for the first time and had the fettuccine alfredo pasta that I had been craving for such a long, long time. I felt pretty awkward and left-out a couple of times throughout the night since I only really knew Laura and somewhat Brownrice and Bryce. But then I totally loosened up after having a couple shots at the hotel room that Laura rented, tehehe. And it was nice meeting Kelly, Meghan, Holland, and Jenny. I honestly didn't even feel all that different until we finished all of Meghan's mixed drinks and the UV Lemonade drink and started on the bottle of wine. I ended up drunk-calling Andrew but he didn't pick up so I called Jonathan and made a fool out of myself. Good thing this time I didn't write a drunk letter, lol!

9 girls + 1 boy + alcohol = insanity. The room looked like shit when we left at 11 the next morning.

Went to Denny's after checking out and I had a yummy omelet with hash browns and toast but everybody felt like crap after eating so much hahah. Jenny ended up taking me home afterward and I totally ktfo'd after fixing my laptop (YAY!) and got up like 5 hours later.

I had a pretty good weekend.

I'll probably feel like shit tomorrow when I realize how much homework and how many tests I have on Monday, FML.

You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving.
– St. Francis de Sales

Besties

To be honest, I don't think I would be able to survive without my best friends. I realized that I enjoy talking to them the most ... and above all else, I know that they'll always be there and I don't have to worry about things like "maybe they're sick of me" or "oh no, what if they think I'm a bitch". Some people have called me imprudent for giving my all into friendships that they claim won't make it into college but I disagree with them. Although I can't help but note that there is a tiny bit of scariness in the fact that these people have such a firm hold on me. But, it's really a blessed thing to realize that there will always be certain friends next to you that will accept your entirety and never shun you regardless of the decisions that you make, and that they'll receive you with open arms even if everybody else has turned their backs on you.

It always gets to me when I realize that I have a really hard time expressing myself when it comes to the people closest to me. I'm awkward and shy & I don't tell the people important to me that I'm really appreciative and grateful to them as often as I should. Although I don't know the extent of how my best friends view me, but to me they're unexpendable. I've had "best friends" before but I guess the older you get, the deeper your relationships become with the people around you. This is the first time that I've never had the doubt "Do they think of me as a best friend too or is it just an assumption on my part?" and the first time that I've ever trusted someone so much in my entire life. I don't think there's anything that I DON'T tell them or if there's anything that I don't wish to tell them (only when I forget to say it lol) and that in it of itself is so amazing, it still shocks me.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Without these three people in my life, I am sure I would've turned out to be a much lonelier and more bitter person. Thank you for being my friend, you guys really have no idea. And those people know who they are.

-- edit

I just realized how much of sappy cornball I sounded like -_- and my thoughts were all jumbled so it sounds weird ... D: I'm really not good at this.

And wtf I swear I posted this at 1 AM and now it's 2. My sleep pattern is whack.

Disappoint

People always fall farther away once they get to really know me. I guess it's because I'm a selfish person who thinks about herself most of the time. But you know what? I never asked anyone to expect anything from me so I don't understand how I'd disappoint them.

Sorry. But get over it.

D:

Nooooooooooooo I don't wanna go back to schoooooooool T_T & I spent all day today hanging out with my parents and watching an hour and a half special on "Pavarotti Duets". I love Pavarotti he's such a crazy operatic tenor, I liked his duet with Mariah Carey when they sang Hero.

BUT I DIGRESS!

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I didn't do my homework! I don't want to go to my counselor and change my schedule! Damn Solarez she screwed me over big time -_- asdfoejaosd ughhhhhhhhhhh.

I will prepare myself for an all-nighter. Damn my mom for not letting me nap, I needed that big time ): Sighhh.

FML.

I ...

Who am I? What do I look like to people, how am I viewed? Is there really that huge of a difference between who I believe I am & the person that others perceive me as?

I'm nothing special. I don't have any special talents. I'm not good at anything. I'm lazy, selfish and simple. I'm afraid of opening up in the case that I'll be double-crossed. I like to have fun but not get too close. I'm afraid of being alone but I tend to repel people away. I don't scheme. I get hurt too easily. I expect too much from the people around me. I feel like something is missing from my life.

All I want is to love and be loved in return, but life just isn't that simple.

And human beings like to twist words and situations, transforming them into a substance totally different than how it first began as. Nobody cares to listen to the entirety, they only see the end result. Just as they see me.

They don't see why I've become the person I am today. They don't see anything but the present-day me, or rather, they never intended to see anything but what they wished to see in the first place. They don't care why or how ... they only care about now. What's in front of their faces. They judge however they please and not a single thought of remorse passes by their one-track minds.

What exactly is my purpose in living? Have I impacted anybody in my life? Will I ever? Will I ever find a reason for my existence?

I don't want school to come yet. I'm not ready to be thrust back into the world of hypocrisy, false-fronts and an endless, repetitive, mundane lifestyle.

Never was

Stay strong?

What if I was never strong to begin with.

There's nothing to hold onto.

2010

Happy New Year! '09 flew by so quickly ...

2009 was full of ups and downs, achievements and disappointments, both good and bad times, and a whole bunch of memories. I can't say I haven't done things that I've regretted but what's the point of feeling down about it, right?

First thing's first, my New Year's resolutions. They're not things that I've thought up of just because it's the first day of the year ... but things I've been thinking about lately and January 1st just gives me an excuse to list them down. I'm sure things are bound to change as the days go on, whether it's taking things off or adding more on.

- Live it up. Do what I want, and do it well.
- Be more positive, to others and also just in general.
- Brush my hands off of drama.
- Cut down my gossiping O:
- Try to sleep earlier than 12 AM.
- Do my best in everything that I attempt.
- Try to go to church ...

I didn't do anything spectacular on New Year's Eve ... didn't even go to church service. I just stayed home and watched 아가씨를 부탁해, finished the last episode actually. This winter break it seems all I've done is chat and watch kdramas. Iris, 미남이시네요 & 아가씨를 부탁해. I should start on my Pride and Prejudice AP Lit homework and get my APES extra credit book soon.

But surprisingly, these past two weeks have been really hectic. A lot of things happened and a lot of shit went down. I also exchanged Christmas gifts for the very first time with my best friends, and as cheesy as it may sound it really made the end of the year really special. I wish I didn't feel like such a corny sponge when I tell people how I feel or else those few individuals would know how thankful and grateful I am to know them. AHHHHH I FEEL LIKE A SAP asldfjeoaifjoewaijfda!

... I wish somebody would take me to a place where a long and super loud train passes by, preferably someplace with a pretty view/environment, and just let me scream and yell as loudly and as much as I want so that I can say what I want to say when the train rushes past me. I also want to just lay down on pretty, green grass and stare up at the sky, looking at the clouds gently passing by. Not too sunny, not too hot or cold, not too clear or cloudy. You know one of those days where it's warm with a light breeze and there are those really cute, puffy clouds that have shapes. I want one of those days to come by soon.

I hope this year will be just as great as 2009 was. I'm pretty stupid so I forget things easily but there were a lot of things that happened in '09 that made me really happy. Things that made me smile and things that are etched into my memory. Of course there were a lot of bad, depressing things ... and a bunch of tears. But as much as I moan and groan about everything, these are the kinds of things that shape me as a person and make me into the person that I am. Every little thing that happens is one out of the many factors that will affect who I am today and mold who I am tomorrow. So I've decided to try to change my view and perspective toward certain aspects of my life and become a more patient and understanding person. I want to be able to learn from everything that I experience and incorporate that into my life. I hope that I'm able to do this, and to change. And to become a better person. I want to become somebody ... no, a friend ... that people can trust, that they can go to when they need to talk, vent, cry, somebody that won't make people curl their lip in disgust and go "Her? No, I don't really like her" or "Oh I can't tell her anything" or anything else like that. I want people to appreciate me and enjoy my company, the same way I do with the few, certain individuals in my life that I'm blessed to be with.

I'm sure that 2010 holds great things. I hope that I'll be able to continue to enjoy each day as it comes by.

I feel like such a sentimental sap today. I kind of teared up while typing this up, HAHA. What is wrong with me. I guess I'm getting old ........... :)

So, 2010. GIVE ME THE BEST YOU'VE GOT! And I'll give you the same.